Act 2

Here we go.

I Guess This Is Goodbye

Mental illness has a stigma all round it. It’s looked upon like a disease that can be caught. Like the sufferer has a cold and if they breathe on you, you just might catch it. It’s awful, it’s undignified and it doesn’t go away. The victim (and they truly are victims) will have a myriad of pills, potions and lotions to take in order to help curb the wayward chemicals in their brain. They don’t know when something is wrong; they don’t know when thoughts have become askew. The ability to rationally cognize and make sound decisions is now being restricted by a force they have no control over. It’s sad and it affects one in five of us.

Now, if one in five Australians suffer from a mental illness, doing a quick extrapolation of the math, that would mean around 4.4 million Australians are going through some form of mental illness this very moment. If each of those 4.4 million people have just one person that cares for them, that would mean that 8.8 million people in Australia right now have more things to worry about than paying their bills, which AFL team is doing well in the finals, who that slut in the office is fucking or which celebrity just got caught cheating on their partner (…it was Kristin Stewart by the way).

I only bring this up because I want to bring attention to those 4.4 million Australians. Not the sufferers, but rather those selfless individuals who devote their time, love, support and care for their loved one who is suffering from a mental illness. These unsung heroes live each and every day without a solitary thank you. They suffer at the hands of their loved one and take each punch at their spirit with stride. They are strong, determined and an inspiration to others. It’s not an easy task to take someone under your wing, a lot of people give up, and a lot don’t even try. The constant assault to their will, spirit and soul stands up against the most vitriolic of words and actions. These are the people who make our world turn. These are the people I am glad exist in our society. These men and women are the sole definition of a ‘good person’.

The Final Word

No theatrics, no bells and whistles and no long winded diatribes. I’m going to slowly wind down these blogs.

It won’t be the end of my writing; I have a few ideas in the pipeline. One is a screenplay and the other is a novella. Working on these will be both challenging and fun, so stay tuned for updates about them.

As some of you may already know, I have quit my job and I’m planning on moving interstate. This is a decision based on many factors, but primarily it’s for the reason of finding my place in the world…as cheesy and cliché as that sounds, it’s the truth. The world is too large and intricate to think that all the answers are contained within the borders of your home town. To think like that would be pure ignorance.

It’s been a blast writing these blogs, it really has. In the grand scheme of life though, it didn’t last very long…I believe 48 in total, but in some way or another I hope you got something out of them, I know I did. I won’t be closing down my blogger account and the archives will always be here to read.

So, again, thank you constant reader. Go out there and find the answers to all your questions.

For the last time,

-Chris

Above Us Only Skies…And A Flaming Boeing A320 Airbus

“I’m not prudish when it comes to nudity. If the role calls for nudity, then I’m going to be naked. I’m not afraid to expose myself that way”

                                    -Actress Keira Knightley

God bless that woman. I swear we need more women like that out there in Hollywood, in fact, not just in Hollywood but in my neighborhood. I think nudity needs to be embraced more in our society. I want to see it legal to stroll down to the shops wearing nothing but a leather belt. Yep, a leather belt with little pockets attached…

I kid of course, still, it would be kind of cool.

But seriously, the reason I bring up the nudity thing is because of the recent controversy those new full body scanners at airports are raising. It seems some people find it a violation of their human rights to be seen via x-ray as a security measure. My personal stance on this issue is simple…if it means my plane isn’t going to be hijacked, terrorized and flown into national monument, then I’m all for strip searching every man, woman and child on that plane. Forget the full body scanner; I want every passenger stripped and cavity searched. In fact, I want every passenger to be sitting in their seats naked, just so I can personally see everything that’s going on. The reality is, on that plane, I only trust two people; me and the person who was involuntarily chosen to sit next to the emergency exit! That person has been given instructions on how to open the emergency door, release the slippery dip and guide everyone to safety. What terrorist would ever opt to sit in that seat? Remember kids, whoever is in that seat, is the most trustworthy person on the plane.

Anyone who knows me knows that I am the world’s worst flyer. I hate it. Downright terrified of it. As unmasculine as that sounds, it’s the complete truth. So adding the possibility of a hijacking to my fears only makes my air travel more daunting. If people are not willing to be fully searched, frisked and anally prodded before taking flight, then my only other solution is to put these passengers in a straight jacket and contain them in a little cell on the plane. Kind of like the movie ‘Con Air’ and the way they put all the hardened criminals in coffin like cells, standing upright with a little Perspex window. That’s exactly how I want to see Grandma if she refuses a full body scan! You just can’t trust anyone these days, and when it comes to my own personal safety, your comfort is the last fucking thing I care about.

I’ve been told that the chance of a hijacking is so miniscule and I should be more worried about a technical malfunction. Like the Qantas plane that lost an engine mid flight. I don’t mean lost an engine as in it stopped working, I mean the whole fucking thing just fell off! If I had a window seat and saw that, you would not be able to contain my hysteria. 

And what about the miserable pricks you see servicing the plane pre-flight? What a sad bunch of cunts they look like. I see them all the time looking the plane over from the tarmac, not really giving a shit. I swear I saw one guy flag down his co-worker, pointed up to something at the cockpit and then they both started laughing. It was probably a crack in the windscreen!

We’ve all heard that saying ‘You’re more likely to die on your way to the airport than you are on the actual flight’. That little affirmation doesn’t put me at ease. I don’t want to die on my way to the airport, in the terminal, on the flight or while taking a shit at my hotel. What about the other statistic, the one that says you’re more likely to die from a coconut falling on you head than dying in a plane crash? Honestly, I think I’d rather take my chances with the falling coconut than the flaming engine of a Boeing 747. Once that fucker ignites it’s all over.

The problem with statistics is that they can be manipulated to represent anything you want. You want statistics? Check these out, and keep in mind, I haven’t made any of these up:

Causes of Fatal Accidents by Decade (percentage)

Cause 1950s 1960s 1970s 1980s 1990s 2000s All  Pilot Error 41 34 24 26 27 30 29  Pilot Error  (weather related) 10 17 14 18 19 19 16  Pilot Error (mechanical related) 6 5 5 2 5 5 5  Total Pilot Error 57 56 43 46 51 54 50  Other Human Error 2 9 9 6 9 5 7  Weather 16 9 14 14 10 8 12  Mechanical Failure 21 19 20 20 18 24 22  Sabotage 5 5 13 13 11 9 9  Other Cause 0 2 1 1 1 0 1

Did you see that? Total pilot error…50%! I don’t know if it’s just me, but that seems unacceptable. You had one job, fly the fucking plane. Some people revere pilots, not me. Not if half of them can’t do their jobs.

What about the 1% ‘other cause’? What’s that all about? I thought they pretty much covered all bases with pilot error, other human error, weather, mechanical failure and sabotage. What else is there? In fact, don’t tell me, it’ll just be something else to fuel my paranoia.

You know who I do respect? The cabin crew. The brave men and women, who serve our drinks, deliver our food and calm us down when we slip into an acute state of madness over the first bit of turbulence. These people have devoted their lives to the worst possible industry, hospitality, and have decided to do it 35,000 feet in the air…and, for fuck all pay as well. Hats off to them I say.

Yes, some people respect and admire Wilbur and Orville Wright, not me though. To me, they are just two assholes that created a machine which instills fear and paranoia amongst men. Honestly, I have more respect for the coconut tree.

Until next time,

-Chris

Oliver says 'I'LL BE KEEPING ALL FOUR PAWS ON THE GROUND'

Science Vs Fiction

I don’t generally like to start Friday off with a hot topic; however, I just couldn’t help myself this morning. I was browsing the web at random (as I usually do while having my morning coffee) and I stumbled across a website that was debating the tiresome argument of Evolution Vs Creationism.

Fuck me right? People are still arguing over this!

Evolution is the process in which species change and adapt over millions of years. Charles Darwin wrote his controversial book ‘Origin of the Species’ in 1859 (its full title is actually ‘On the Origin of the Species by Means of Natural Selection, or the Preservation of Favored Races in the Struggle for life’ a mouthful I know). Natural selection is the means in which certain traits are carried down through generations which will be beneficial for the survival of that species, in other words, survival of the fittest. Evolution is widely accepted as scientific fact that requires no supernatural element whatsoever.

Creationism is the belief that God created the world, including all human and animal life, in six days and 10,000 years ago.  There are other Christian beliefs on Creationism (they just can’t seem to decide on one!) there is Old Earth Creationism, where it is believed that God created the world millions of years ago, before he placed animals and humans on the planet. They also have Theistic Evolution, where they believe that God pretty much kick started evolution and was directing the process of natural selection (To me that just sounds like they are covering their bases!).

Turns out that both sides have a ‘for’ and ‘against’. I’m not going to bore you with the arguments, because frankly, I couldn’t care less which side of the fence your unevolved ass sits on. I will however bring to your attention one argument that religion uses against science. I found it interesting so I thought I would share it with you guys. Religion claims that ‘Evolution undermines meaning and morality’… before I go on, I want to steal some text and show you their argument. Remember, the following passage are not my words:

“Evolution gives no basis for morality or human dignity. If we evolved from animals rather than being uniquely created in the image of God, then humanity should be accorded no more status than an animal, plant or amoeba. Acceptance of evolution leads to Social Darwinism and eugenics.
If we are only the product of time plus chance plus impersonal forces, there is no objective standard of right and wrong, only what benefits the survival of our genes or not. For example, rape may have an adaptive benefit in enabling the passing on of genes of the rapist. An evolutionary worldview has no rational basis for condemning such an action”

Hmm…interesting point religion, very interesting.

Except for one little thing you’re forgetting. Science has nothing to do with morality; science simply states what IS not what OUGHT to be. We as a species have evolved to a capacity of higher learning and higher reasoning, using this higher learning we can develop and put in place ethical systems in which to live by. Take the following example; Think of those people who look after relatives that share the same genes, by looking after the wellbeing of relatives in your gene pool, you are maximizing the likelihood that these genes will be passed on. Altruism benefits the survival of the group as a whole.

Having faith in a higher being does not mean you automatically know what is right or wrong.  To put that into perspective for you, if having faith in a supreme being made you morally invincible, we wouldn’t have religious wars in this world. Even if you didn’t agree with the bigots who don’t view the world through your eyes, you would be able to take the moral high ground and turn a blind eye to them.

There are many more points in the argument for both Evolution and Creationism. I won’t go into them but I will list a handful so you can ponder them while doing more productive things, like tending to a veggie garden.

POINTS FOR:

Fossil Evidence

The Age of the Earth

Falsifiability (Meaning that if evolution could have been proven false by Creationists, it would have already, in turn, Creationism is falsifiable scientifically)

POINTS AGAINST:

The Bible says that God Created the World (This is Gods word and God is infallible)

Naturalistic Assumptions (Science rules out God on principle rather than on the basis of evidence)

Chance Cannot Produce Complexity

As for the whole missing link argument that Creationists seem to always come back to, well let’s just say that I see the missing link here at work every fucking day!

Until next time,

-Chris

On a stroll with the trolls

I was watching that awful TV show the other night, the one hosted by that B grade celebrity Chrissy Swan…’Can of Worms’ I think it’s called. Just a dreadful piece of work (The show and Chrissy). The topic for debate that I forced myself to sit through was ‘Should internet trolls be named and shamed?’ the panel of three guests voted 2 to 1 in favour of ‘yes, they should be named and shamed’. The three guests and Chrissy bantered for about 10 minutes before asking a few members of the audience for their opinion, whom sided with Chrissy and opted for the trolls to be named and shamed as well. I will admit, it was hard for me to sit there and not make snidely remarks at the TV or clench my fists in rage as I heard the piss poor arguments from a woman that has no right being on commercial television. I do have strong feelings about this issue; I have a very loud opinion in fact! Anonymity on the internet will never cease. You cannot police it, you cannot monitor it, you cannot enforce it and you certainly cannot make people share their personal details about themselves online. Chrissy Swan asking for people’s real names to be used when Tweeting or sending out vitriolic comments via the web is like asking a heckler at a standup comedy gig to prefix every heckle with “Hi, my name Shaun Anderson of 123 Smith Street, Pleasantville and I think that last joke you made was distasteful, offensive and inappropriate, if you could refrain from offending me for the duration of your show that would be highly appreciated. Thank You”

“Fuck off cunt, sincerely, standup comedy guy of 321 Blow Me Road, Pricksville”

The right to not share your personal details online and make scathing remarks is one of the internet’s biggest draw cards for most people. It gives them an identity that they can’t have in the real world. I’m not condoning the act of putting people down or harassing people online, not at all. I’m saying that trying to stop it from happening is like trying to put Chrissy Swan on a diet…it’s just not going to happen (see what I did there? I just trolled).

I have no problem identifying myself; I don’t hide my identity, its right there in my profile. It’s my real name, my real photo (unfortunately) and, believe it or not, it’s my real opinion in these blogs! Ouch, shock and horror right? Chris is being honest and scathing online and he’s not hiding his identity. I can make these remarks about Chrissy Swan because it is my opinion, one in which I am allowed to have. Should I be allowed to voice this opinion online? Abso-fucking-lutely. Should I be allowed to voice it online and remain anonymous? Fuck oath I’m allowed. I choose not to remain anonymous because I am not ashamed of my opinion; it’s mine to be had. However, I don’t frown upon people who remain in the deep, dark shadows of the web and shout out incognito. Fuck’em, let them voice their opinion under a shroud of mystery…are you really going to get upset by a nameless/faceless individual? Who could very well be a 14 year old child? Or a drunk? Or a bunch of guys sitting around together just trying to get a rise out of you?

Chrissy Swan made the comment to an audience member “You might find it funny, but what about my feelings? You don’t know what it takes to upset me? You might just think it’s a joke, but it hurts my feelings? You don’t know anyone’s tolerance levels?” the audience clapped like she just cured cancer or something! Fuck me Chrissy! You’re right, I don’t know your tolerance levels, I don’t know what offends you, I don’t know what hurts your feelings…but you know what? I know you don’t have to have a Twitter account! I know you don’t have to listen! I know you don’t have to read what I am writing! Why should I have to remain silent because you have low tolerance levels? Why should I not be allowed to voice an opinion because you might have some feelings that will get hurt? Dry your eyes princess and get the fuck off the web if you’re so fucking sensitive. Get out of the media if you can’t handle the heat. The reality is Chrissy, if you’re in the public eye, then you’re going to get these comments (especially you because you’re an easy target and you’re extremely uneducated).

Do you know the definition of an ‘Internet Troll’? Here it is for those who don’t:

“In Internet slang, a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, or off topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room, or blog, with the primary intent of provoking other users into a desired emotional response.”

‘The intent to provoke other users into a desired emotional response.’ There it is, so, by retweeting, by getting upset and by going public with your tears, you are simply playing the game that your personal Troll wants you to play. How about, instead of this asinine concept of naming and shaming, how about you stop giving two shits and let these Trolls troll away.

It takes two people to get upset Chrissy! A smart person and an idiot…which one are you?

Until next time,

-Chris

Oliver says 'PFFT, AMATUERS IN THE MEDIA'

You Have The Right To Remain Silent…

You know what’s quirky? Outdated laws. We’ve all heard the weird and wacky ones from the United States, like the crazy Alaskan law about not eyeballing a moose while travelling in an aircraft! Firstly, is the moose on the ground or in the aircraft? You’re either flying too low or someone has sneakily smuggled a 700kg Elk onto your plane! (Did you know that an Elk is what they call a moose in Britain?).

Or how about in California, where the law states that no vehicle without a driver may exceed 60mph. Really? 60mph? Even the Dolerian needed a driver to reach 1955 at 55mph!

Or what about the Big Apple? The great city of New York? Listen to this! It’s illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards whilst at a concert…can I just say, that if someone is eating peanuts and walking backwards at a concert, I don’t think this is what you should be arresting the individual for…it’s all I’m saying.

I couldn’t let Texas off the hook. How’s this? In Texas it’s illegal to own six or more dildos. Six…or more! Or more?! Who owns more than six dildos? Who is this woman? And, as a side law to the six or more, it’s illegal if any of your six dildos look realistic! Which is a shame really, I wanted to cast a replica of my penis and sell it those sexually deviant Texan women.

Anyway, it got me to thinking (after reading about the crazy US laws), does Australia have any bizarre or insane laws that make no sense whatsoever? I’ve decided to check out the laws of our great city of Melbourne, only because it was recently voted as the world’s most livable city and I want to check out if it really is so livable.

Below are a handful of criminal acts ranging from misdemeanors to felony offences. I swear, I haven’t made any of these up.

CRIMINAL ACT #1: Flying a kite or playing a game in public which annoys another person is an offence.

CRIMINAL ACT #2: It is against the law to leave your keys in your vehicle whilst unattended, it is illegal to leave your car running whilst unattended AND it is illegal to leave your car doors unlocked.

CRIMINAL ACT #3: Having an article of disguise in your possession without a lawful excuse, is an offence.

CRIMINAL ACT #4: Advertising a reward for a lost item and stating that ‘No questions will be asked’ is against the law.

CRIMINAL ACT #5: Singing an obscene song, tune or ballad within earshot of someone is a fineable offence.

Any lastly, but my personal favourite…

Again, I swear I haven’t made this up!

CRIMINAL ACT #6: It is against the law to carry out unauthorized rain making operations.

Carrying out unauthorized rain making operations! To anybody who may be able to break this law, surely they should be nominated for a Nobel Prize.  We live in a country that is plagued by drought, farmers lose millions of dollars annually to the devastating effects of drought and our government wants to arrest anyone who can make artificial rain! The global impact of such a device would monumental, think of other drought ridden countries, they could cultivate their land and grow a sustainable economy…but NOOOOO, instead here in Australia we’re going to lock them up and throw away the key! Also, I think if you do have the ability to make rain, shouldn’t that be considered a miracle act? This would mean you only need two more miracles and you could be canonized as a Saint!

How about criminal act #5? Singing an obscene song is against the law! Does that mean I can make a citizen’s arrest on anyone I catch singing ‘Smashing Pumpkins’? I can’t stand that fucking band!

Yes, Melbourne sure does have its share of weird and wacky laws. But, I’m sure the rest of our States do as well. I won’t touch on those today, instead, I’ll leave you with an upbeat and interesting fact about Melbourne, such as, did you know that the world’s first feature film was made in Melbourne? Yep, it was called ‘The Story of the Ned Kelly Gang’ and it was released on Boxing Day in 1906.

 Also, Melbourne was host to the world's first gay and lesbian radio station! I'd tune into that...I love Queen and Elton John.

Until next time,

-Chris

Oliver says 'SIX DILDOS? SERIOUSLY?'

C. Geoff Morris: An Introspective

He was born.

He lived.

He continued to live.

He then started a blog.

Not much happened in between.

Then he died.

I get the funny feeling that’s exactly how my epitaph will read. My headstone will simple state the following:

Here Lies Chris…

He didn’t do much. He had a handful menial jobs. He tried to make people happy (well, to the best of his ability anyway), he loved his dog! That’s something right? He wasn’t a tall man, kinda short to be honest. Average sized penis (all comparable to his height I suppose). Kind of self deprecating, always made fun of himself before others got the chance to do it for him. He liked birds, he never knew why, but he found them interesting to watch. He got a kick from eating out. Big fan of food. Fucking LOVED Asian cuisine. That’s pretty much it really. Oh, and could you get off the grass! He was walked all over during life I don’t think he would appreciate it in death.

Thanks.

Yep, short, sweet and to the point. Not sure if that would all fit on the headstone though. Fuck it, maybe I should go with this:

Here lies Chris…

He was a pervert and he’s probably looking up your skirt right now.

Regards

I think it would be kinda cool to freak out the people who come to pay their respects, so how about this one:

Here lies Chris…

I’m standing right behind you!

***

So why am I writing my own introspective? Well it was also going to double as my eulogy…Ahh, but why am I writing my own eulogy? Truth is, I don’t trust anyone else to write something meaningful and poetic about me (Not that I could write anything of substance myself, but I’ll give it a red hot go).

So, where to begin? I suppose at the start, right? Isn’t that where most people start? Well I could, but honestly…it’s a pretty fucking boring start! Not much has happened in the past 30 years, nothing really note worthy anyway. Hmm, this is more difficult that I had imagined. If I’m struggling to write my own eulogy, I hope to God that whoever does speak at my funeral just makes some shit up about me. If it’s you, constant reader, make me sound semi cool, okay? Not too cool, not like James Dean cool or anything, maybe Johnny Depp cool or the late Heath Ledger cool. Could you try and make up some adventures as well? Something like, I don’t know; say I went on an expedition to Machu Pichu in search of Incan gold or that I once got kidnapped by Peruvian militants and was held in captivity for 82 days, only to escape using my shoelaces like MacGyver and shit.

You know, on the topic of eulogies and headstones, I was thinking about having one of those ‘living funerals’ you know that ones where you get to participate in your own funeral? So essentially, what happens is that you act out your funeral while you’re still alive. So what happens is, you get yourself a casket; gather your close family and friends and you have yourself a funeral. You get to lie down in the coffin (lid open of course) and listen and watch as people grieve and show their respects to your still warm body. I’m not 100% sure about the rules, like, I don’t know if you’re allowed to speak or participate in the proceedings…but it would be kinda cool if I could. I’d also like to control the guest list (I don’t want any fake mourners coming for the free food) Also, I’d like an outdoors ceremony. On a nice day. Something with a view. Also, if I’m not asking for too much, I’d like doves released as they lower me into the ground. Whatever my age is when I die, I want that many doves released. While all this is happening I want the music from ‘The Lion King’ playing over loud speakers, you know the music that goes ‘Ahhhhhhh Sibenya… Mamabich Eee Ohh Ya Way… Enyoway’ (I could be wrong with those lyrics, but I think you know the scene I’m talking about) as the music starts to play I want someone to take a large picture of me, around A3 size, and hold it to the sun. Then everyone gets down into a worshipping position and praises the photo being held up high. In fact, everyone is now wearing grass skirts and body paint. The moment has a very organic and spiritual feel to it. My casket is now in the ground and people dance around in a tribal ritual, picking up clumps of earth and throwing it into my grave. It’s very moving… by the way, the doves have fucked off and shat all over your cars. I’m sorry. “Can someone grab that gazelle and put him back in the cage? Matthew! Just because you’re wearing a grass skirt doesn’t mean you can take a shit in the open, use the toilet block over there! Natasha! I said a grass skirt, not a banana leaf, what gives? DYLAN! I said tribal symbols painted on your body not ‘Carn the Crows’. Dad, stop shaking your head, this is what I wanted, deal with it. For fuck’s sake, can someone catch that fucking gazelle?”

You know, maybe I am going a little too far. I should have a closed casket, not an open one.

Oh and as for the introspective…did you really think I was going to write my own life review?

Until next time,

-Chris

(Oh the answer to yesterdays riddle, I almost forgot…it was Mark Crimson, Geddit? Question Mark Crimson)