Above Us Only Skies…And A Flaming Boeing A320 Airbus
“I’m not prudish when it comes to nudity. If the role calls for nudity, then I’m going to be naked. I’m not afraid to expose myself that way”
-Actress Keira Knightley
God bless that woman. I swear we need more women like that out there in Hollywood, in fact, not just in Hollywood but in my neighborhood. I think nudity needs to be embraced more in our society. I want to see it legal to stroll down to the shops wearing nothing but a leather belt. Yep, a leather belt with little pockets attached…
I kid of course, still, it would be kind of cool.
But seriously, the reason I bring up the nudity thing is because of the recent controversy those new full body scanners at airports are raising. It seems some people find it a violation of their human rights to be seen via x-ray as a security measure. My personal stance on this issue is simple…if it means my plane isn’t going to be hijacked, terrorized and flown into national monument, then I’m all for strip searching every man, woman and child on that plane. Forget the full body scanner; I want every passenger stripped and cavity searched. In fact, I want every passenger to be sitting in their seats naked, just so I can personally see everything that’s going on. The reality is, on that plane, I only trust two people; me and the person who was involuntarily chosen to sit next to the emergency exit! That person has been given instructions on how to open the emergency door, release the slippery dip and guide everyone to safety. What terrorist would ever opt to sit in that seat? Remember kids, whoever is in that seat, is the most trustworthy person on the plane.
Anyone who knows me knows that I am the world’s worst flyer. I hate it. Downright terrified of it. As unmasculine as that sounds, it’s the complete truth. So adding the possibility of a hijacking to my fears only makes my air travel more daunting. If people are not willing to be fully searched, frisked and anally prodded before taking flight, then my only other solution is to put these passengers in a straight jacket and contain them in a little cell on the plane. Kind of like the movie ‘Con Air’ and the way they put all the hardened criminals in coffin like cells, standing upright with a little Perspex window. That’s exactly how I want to see Grandma if she refuses a full body scan! You just can’t trust anyone these days, and when it comes to my own personal safety, your comfort is the last fucking thing I care about.
I’ve been told that the chance of a hijacking is so miniscule and I should be more worried about a technical malfunction. Like the Qantas plane that lost an engine mid flight. I don’t mean lost an engine as in it stopped working, I mean the whole fucking thing just fell off! If I had a window seat and saw that, you would not be able to contain my hysteria.
And what about the miserable pricks you see servicing the plane pre-flight? What a sad bunch of cunts they look like. I see them all the time looking the plane over from the tarmac, not really giving a shit. I swear I saw one guy flag down his co-worker, pointed up to something at the cockpit and then they both started laughing. It was probably a crack in the windscreen!
We’ve all heard that saying ‘You’re more likely to die on your way to the airport than you are on the actual flight’. That little affirmation doesn’t put me at ease. I don’t want to die on my way to the airport, in the terminal, on the flight or while taking a shit at my hotel. What about the other statistic, the one that says you’re more likely to die from a coconut falling on you head than dying in a plane crash? Honestly, I think I’d rather take my chances with the falling coconut than the flaming engine of a Boeing 747. Once that fucker ignites it’s all over.
The problem with statistics is that they can be manipulated to represent anything you want. You want statistics? Check these out, and keep in mind, I haven’t made any of these up:
Causes of Fatal Accidents by Decade (percentage)
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Did you see that? Total pilot error…50%! I don’t know if it’s just me, but that seems unacceptable. You had one job, fly the fucking plane. Some people revere pilots, not me. Not if half of them can’t do their jobs.
What about the 1% ‘other cause’? What’s that all about? I thought they pretty much covered all bases with pilot error, other human error, weather, mechanical failure and sabotage. What else is there? In fact, don’t tell me, it’ll just be something else to fuel my paranoia.
You know who I do respect? The cabin crew. The brave men and women, who serve our drinks, deliver our food and calm us down when we slip into an acute state of madness over the first bit of turbulence. These people have devoted their lives to the worst possible industry, hospitality, and have decided to do it 35,000 feet in the air…and, for fuck all pay as well. Hats off to them I say.
Yes, some people respect and admire Wilbur and Orville Wright, not me though. To me, they are just two assholes that created a machine which instills fear and paranoia amongst men. Honestly, I have more respect for the coconut tree.
Until next time,
-Chris
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