SEX, SEX, SEX...He’s finally talking about SEX

I was told blog a little more about sex. The audience will love it they said. Truth is, you guys don’t want to hear me go on and on about sex, partly because A) I’m no good at it and B) I’m REALLY no good at it. I’m actually better at making pizza than I am at having sex.

On the weekend I got to thinking, ‘I’ve been sexually active for 14 years’ (everybody in their head right now is doing a quick extrapolation of the math, ‘that made him how old when he...’) I’ll save you the mental strain, it made me 16.

Save your judging for another sinner, 16 is a perfectly fine age to lose your innocence.

All in all the experience wasn’t horrible; it was no John Hughes film either. It was over very quickly; I bumbled and fumbled my way around her anatomy, almost like like a blind man reading some ancient convoluted brail, and that was just my hands, I had been using them to feel my way around for 16 years, if they were getting lost, what chance did my penis have of finding his way around? And he didn’t. Try after try I finally managed to introduce my shy and timid penis into the now highly frustrated vagina of a girl, who in reality, when I think back to it, was probably more frightened than I was. So, the moment has arrived, I’m doing it, it’s actually happening. I’m having sex. Well, I think I am. Am I doing this right? How would I know if I was doing it wrong? She doesn’t look impressed Chris! Try something else...what do you mean try something else? What else do you know? Your sexual history is now exactly 28 seconds long, you don’t have a back catalogue of moves to draw inspiration from. Her face is changing. Is she grimacing? Is she not enjoying this? She looks uncomfortable...stroke her hair. You’ve seen people do that in the movies (I stop and stroke her hair)... She flinches...Nope, she didn’t like that. Just finish it Chris; she isn’t enjoying herself and your thinking way too much.

I finish up with a solid game time of well under 3 minutes and a sex story that I’ll be able to tell for years to come (Definitely no pun there)

It was awkward, it was clumsy and not much has changed in 14 years. I’m still that goofy, unsure and inept guy when it comes to sex. I wish I could sing you a different tune but I really can’t. I might not be able to get you off between the sheets, but I sure can cook you one helluva meat lover’s pizza!

~INTERMISSION~

I have an average sized penis. It does the job and it’s nothing to write home about (not that you ever would...

’Greetings Wonderful Family, the voyage across the vast oceans has been a tumultuous one to say the least, we have lost six souls since the last half moon and I’m starting to suspect Roberts is getting a case of Deep Sea Dementia, I’ll have to keep an eye on him, he is our cook after all. By the way, it’s just an average sized penis I have. Nothing fancy, probably looks like everyone else’s to be completely honest. I’m not concerned about it one bit, I certainly don’t obsess over it or anything. It does look kind of unappealing when flaccid, but really, does that matter? It’s girth is good, I’m very pleased with the girth. I caught a glimpse of Roberts’ cock in the kitchen last night; he was cooking naked, and his looks like mine. It was easy to tell because he was erect at the time. All I’m trying to say is, if you were thinking about it at all, is that it is perfectly fine and functioning. Testicles could be a little larger, but hey, what can you do about it? I look forward to my arrival home. Stay safe family, with all my love – Captain James Cook April 19^th, 1770’)

Part of me would like to believe that a letter like that actually exists and that Captain Cook did have a complex with his penis, and that he did have a pseudo strange cook onboard that liked to prepare food naked.

I kid though, about the whole penis size thing, I only raise it because the debate ‘Does size matter?’ tickles my funny bone (hehe...bone) As a man, I will never know the answer. And, to be totally honest and forthright, I really don’t care. I’ll let the insecure men lose sleep at night over thinking it. Like I have heard time and time again...‘It’s how you use it’ or ‘it’s the motion of the ocean’ that matters, these words should give us men comfort and solace...not me however, I can certainly attest to the fact I surely do not know how to use it. I have seen video’s on youtube of monkeys that have a better understanding of their penis’s than I do (of my own of course, not of theirs).

Let the open forum begin. Tell me your thoughts, tell me your opinions. Tell me a crazy story about your first time, or, if you’re feeling creative enough, write me a creative sexual letter. Maybe Abe Lincoln wrote home to Missus Lincoln about his sexual fetishes or maybe Napoleon became so aroused riding on horseback he had stop and masturbate every 5 miles and just had to write home to Josephine about it! Balls in your court now (That pun WAS intended!).

Until next time,

-Chris

Oliver says 'SO WHAT IF I'M A VIRGIN!'