Fuck It, Literally...The Celibacy Issue Is Over.

A few blogs back, maybe three or so weeks ago, I proclaimed to the world that I was going to remain celibate for the foreseeable future. I would like to take to the podium and declare it right here and now…I wish to recant that statement.

Already, I can hear the questions burning in your heads ‘Is he recanting now because he wants sex or is he recanting because he already has?’ Well, truth is…I’m not telling. A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.

However, all jokes aside, the celibacy stance is over. Back to performing what Shakespeare so eloquently calls it ‘The beast with two backs’ and trust me, that’s exactly what it looks like when I make love. Getting too personal again? Maybe, but you’ll live.

‘But why the sudden change in beliefs, why now?’ Well, to be honest, I’m a virile 30 year old guy, why shouldn’t I be out there getting ‘some’? It seems everyone else is. Everywhere I look people are getting sex, everyone but me. Did I put a wall up that told women not to approach me? Did I ooze monk like abstinence? I think I must have, so it’s time to strip down, wash off this crazy idea of being celibate and start making notches. I figure now is the best time to be doing this, seeing as every woman out there is reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ and maybe, just maybe, I’m someone’s Christian Grey!

I will tell you a story about what happened on Friday night however. It’s a story about how NOT to flirt with women. In my defense, I was drunk, I was in a new surrounding and I was being served drinks by a friend behind the bar, whom I felt was watching my every move whilst I was talking to these women (She knows who she is, and she will have to come clean and tell me if she was listening in or not).

You’ll have to excuse the vagueness or the possible inaccuracies of the story, like I said; I believe I was a little inebriated…So, from my best recollections, three women approached the bar. From the conversations they were having it would have appeared they were attending a possible farewell. I’m not too sure, it may have been a hens night or simply just after work drinks, it really serves no purpose in the story as to why they were at this particular bar (which shall remain nameless in the likelihood I choose to return to the quaint little place). Let’s continue…so, for whatever reason, they were there, they ordered five drinks and asked for one to be non-alcoholic. This is what sparked my attention in the women. They wanted the drinks to all look the same but one to be alcohol free, an odd request I thought. Turns out one of their friends outside was slightly drunk and they wanted her to sober up a little, but not offend her (women are much more morally responsible when they drink in groups, the complete opposite to men, if I ask my friend to go to the bar and get me a water, guaranteed he will come back with a double shot vodka sunrise…and he will still call me a pussy for drinking a girly drink). The drinks are being poured, and to be completely honest, I have no idea who started talking to who first (this is where I hope my friend can come in and help). What I do remember next though is asking this girl a really stupid question, a question that at the time, I thought was a kind of pimp and a player question to ask…turns out, it wasn’t. By this point the other two girls have left and the one remaining girl is talking to me at the bar (I can only assume at this very moment, my friend is hiding behind the bar somewhere being all ears). So, in my complete drunken, yet I believe coherent state…I asked her this, and please, do not try this under any circumstances ‘So, you girls have been out for a few hours now, tell me, what has been the funniest or craziest moment of the evening’

Now, in my head, I thought this question would open up a barrage of conversational topics. Turns out, it doesn’t, that question is too hard to ask of an intoxicated twenty something year old young woman. Instead, she fires back without hesitation ‘Nope nothing funny, you tell me something funny’. A question I don’t generally like. Asking for a joke on demand is akin to asking a porn star to cum on request, he probably can do it, but there will need to be some work involved. What did I do? Instead of just telling a funny story about me not liking to pay for things with change (I'll blog about that later), I did the most self absorbed,  pretentious and downright lame act I have done in my thirty years dwelling on this Earth. Listen up, I’ll only say it once, I leaned over and asked her ‘Do you have a smart phone?’ (Some of you know where this is going), she replies ‘Yes’

‘May I have it please?’

This is the part where she probably thought I was going to put my number in her phone, which in hindsight probably would have been the right move, but being typically me, I didn’t. Instead, I opened up her Google browser and Googled the following… wait for it! Just wait for it.

I Googled: blogginwithchris penis

I can hear the ‘Tsk Tsk Tsk’ noises you’re all making right now. Look, truth is, I know that was a rookie mistake, one big, bad mistake. One I will not be making ever again.

I suppose you want to know what her reaction was. Well, if you do happen to Google those fateful words and click on the first result. The blog that actually comes up is the one I discuss losing my virginity. Not quite the conversation starter when meeting a nice young lady, she promptly read the first few paragraphs and very politely excused herself.

Anyway, live and learn as they say. If the young lady in question did happen to save the Google search and is reading right now, please drop me a line, I would be more than willing to hear your side of the inebriated story? Tweet me @thatchrismorris or leave a message on this blog. You can remain anonymous or not, totally up to you. To my friend behind the bar…did you listen in? Was my retelling of the story accurate? Or was it skewed in some way?

Until next time,

-Chris

Oliver says 'SOMEONE TEACH MY DAD HOW TO FLIRT!'