Public Restrooms and The Penis Chart

I hate using public restrooms. I really do. Nothing about it makes the visit enjoyable. Not that going to the bathroom should ever be a field a trip, but generally, I don’t mind going to the toilet in my own home, it’s a place I can sit and relax, maybe read a book (not cover to cover of course!) or catch up with my social media…it’s basically my fortress of solitude where I can center myself and harness my Chi. One of the biggest problems I have with public urination, in men’s rooms anyway, is the whole standing next to each other situation. Basically, if I’m having a party at my house and a friend of mine pipes up and bellows to the room ‘Hold up, I just gotta go to the toilet, I’ll be right back’ I don’t follow him, unzip and stand next to him while I piss. Not at all, why would I? So why is it acceptable that I do it in a public forum? It all seems very uncouth.

Last night however, I discovered the only place I enjoy public urination. One, maybe two, of my friends will understand this part…we have discussed it before. The rest of you will probably figure it out anyway. Last night I went out to dinner at a Chinese restaurant (the astute reader is already switching on and starting to smirk). Wonderful food, great service and an awesome ambiance to the place, so what could top off such a grand night of wining and dining? You got it, relieving my swollen bladder at this very restaurant. By no stretch of the imagination was this lavatory a clean one, it wasn’t adorned with golden dragons or Hello Kitty paraphernalia. In fact, the floor might not have seen the underside of a mop in a few years…none of this bothered me, not in the slightest, it actually all added to the charm of the place, almost like you were eating from a back alley food peddler in downtown Bangkok (minus the rats and roaches of course!). Yep, mildew was gathering on the mirror and an unclassified, brownish, goo like substance was creeping its way up the basin. So, what is it that actually made this experience better than any other I hear you asking?! What on Earth was so good about taking a piss in such filth? (for the record, the dining area was immaculate) well, I’ll tell you all and my fellow Anglo-Saxon, white male counterparts will attest to the following…stand next to your Asian waiter in the toilet of your favourite  Chinese restaurant and all of a sudden your average Joe looks like Long John Silver, if you catch my drift. Being in an Asian restaurant and all, I actually felt like I was holding onto Godzilla’s tail as I was relieving myself.

Now, before I continue, I know some of you will scream ‘racism’ but, can I clear a few things up before I’m drawn and quartered? Pointing out a physical trait generally associated with a specific race is not racism. Every time I tell a black man ‘Hey, I really respect your tremendous penis’ I don’t get vilified and have the word ‘racist’ seared into my flesh. Far from it, instead the black man retorts ‘Thank you, kind white man, maybe one day you to will evolve to have the power of the tremendous penis, til that day, please continue to look and admire mine’… (Word Brother, Word)

~INTERMISSION~

Actually the aforementioned story reminds me of an article I read about 18 months ago. I was at work and someone emailed me a link to this article about global penis sizes by country. The interesting thing was that while some countries used documented and scientific studies to submit the results for their countrymen’s penises, other countries simply used the ‘self reported measurement’ option. Now, I have no problem with self reported measurement, not at all. In fact, if I were to join in on such a study I would probably prefer to measure myself rather than in front of a crowd, which would be fine, as I am a trustworthy and noble individual. What concerns me with the chart (and I will show you...the graph, not my penis) is that all the larger men on the graphic representation came from countries with the ‘self reported measurement’ submissions. I am a trusting man, I really am, in fact I would say I am a little too trusting. However, just like I don’t trust the Nigerian Prince whose has bequeathed his wealth to me, I don’t trust the same gentleman who tells me he has obtained, by good genes no doubt, a 17 inch penis. What baffles me most though, is why lie? It’ an anonymous global survey! Now what really boggles the mind is the gentlemen from Cambodia, India and Thailand who, for some unknown reason, told the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth when it came to their 4 inch pride and joys (My little story about dinner last night doesn’t seem so racist now does it?).

Yes, it’s certainly an interesting topic…one that I would say most women couldn’t care less about and yet we men will continue to ponder and analyze until our dying day. Before I leave you to scrutinize over the stats yourselves I would like to mention, to all the female readers out there, that I am part Congolese on my father’s side. To look at my face you couldn’t tell, but there are other ways of knowing…

Until next time,

-Chris

NB: Apologies for the crudness of the graph, I couldn't get it any smaller and the column with the country names has disappeared, so I hope your all avid vexillologists (One who studies flags)