Hello and welcome to

‘Facts with Chris’

The following facts have been derived from various sources, but I assure you, all of them are accurate and have been 100% verified by a Portuguese street peddler. He sold me his one and only wrist watch and I trust this man with my life. Although, the watch doesn’t keep accurate time, I have no reason to doubt the validity of any of the following facts.

Enjoy.

Fact Numero the Uno: 2,500 left handed people are killed each year by using products designed for right handed people.

Let’s just stop right there. Can we just let those numbers simmer on your mind for awhile? 2,500 left handed people. 2,500 people. Dead. Each year. Using right handed products. 2,500.

I’m sorry, I can’t help but wonder if it was really the fact these people were left handed that killed them or if they were just mildly retarded. Secondly, what products are they using that are considered fatal for a leftie but safe for a rightie? Were they running with right handed scissors? I couldn’t help myself; I had to look up a handful (Geddit?) of left handed products after I heard this factoid from Humberto (my Portuguese street peddler friend). Turns out these lefties are quite serious about not being able to use certain products...but in some aspects, I honestly think they are just nit picking problems. I mean seriously, a left handed measuring cup for the kitchen? Or a left handed ruler? How does a right handed ruler disadvantage a leftopian? Just turn it around! Measure from the 30 centimetre mark backwards...what are you measuring that requires you to start from 1cm?...oh! wait a minute, I get it! You’re measuring your slightly curving to the left penis...Sorry, I see how you would need to start from the 1cm side of the ruler. Apologies, continue measuring.

Fact Numero the Dois: The shortest war on record was held between England and Zanzibar in 1896 and lasted only 38 minutes.

38 minutes! 38 minutes! They didn’t even last the length of an Asian massage, with or without the happy ending, the poor Zanzibarians. I’ll admit, when this fact was confirmed by Humberto, I had to look up Zanzibar on Wikipedia. Turns out that Zanzibar is a semi-autonomous part of Tanzania consisting of several islands. Who would have thought! Question though, why are the British invading this peaceful little seaside community? What on Earth could they have done to piss off the British Empire? Also, did they feel bad when Zanzibar surrendered after only 38 minutes? I know I would...it’s the school yard equivalent of picking on the smallest kid in the playground for his lunch money, you push him, he cries and hands over his $1.25 his mum gave him for ice cream. He doesn’t put up a fight and doesn’t argue; he simply admits defeat and sulks. I didn’t even want the buck twenty five in the first place! I certainly had no bad feelings towards the poor kid. All I wanted was to conquer and take what wasn’t mine, plain and simple. Shame on you British Empire!

(For those who might be interested, Zanzibar regained independence in 1963. If they had only held out a little longer they could have enjoyed the British invasion of the Beatles. Well, you win some and you lose some)

Fact Numero the Tres: The first bomb dropped by the Allies in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Not much to say about this one, except poor fucking elephant, he had no idea a war was even going on! I'm sure if he had known, he might have strapped a helmet to his bulbous head.

Fact Numero the Quatro: A snail can sleep for up to three years.

Hold on, just hold on one snail trail of a minute! I want to meet the Gentleman (or Lass) who conducted this experiment. Three years? Honestly? Someone watched this snail for three years straight? They had a team of snail watchers working around the clock keeping an eye on sleeping beauty? Really? Aren’t snail eyes on top of those little tentacle things on their heads? You know the ones that when you touch them they retreat back into their squishy head. I used to poke them when I was a kid you know! Was I keeping him awake? Interesting. So, next time someone calls you lazy or tells you to get out of bed, just tell them that today, you’re a snail.

Fact Numero the Cinco: The barnacle has the largest penis in the animal kingdom in relation to its size.

The barnacle! A fucking barnacle! Unbelievable. All my life I’ve been making jokes like ‘Hung like a horse’ or ‘Swinging like a donkey’ instead I should have been saying ‘Packing a barnacle’. Quite the modest little arthropod isn’t he? He doesn’t really show a lot of hoop-la over his impressive member does he? Instead quietly he sits perched upon a jetty and contemplates “Gee I have an enormous cock!”... Actually, I just worked out why the takeaway joint is called ‘Barnacle Bills’!

Well, there you have it, five interesting little tid bits that you can pull out next time you’re at the pub with your mates. Enlighten them about the Berlin elephant or impress them with the mighty phallus of the barnacle.

The watch Humberto sold me is saying it’s time for a beer right now actually. God bless those Portuguese street peddlers.

Until next time,

-Chris

Oliver says 'PUGS ORIGINATE FROM CHINA! I'M CHINESE!'