Grammar With Chris

One thing I like about blogging and not actually having to sit down and talk for hours about the useless drivel I usually harp on about, is the simple fact that I don’t get pulled up on how to pronounce my words. I have a friend that constantly berates me for the way I pronounce words. Everyday words like ‘croissant’ ‘Arabica’ ‘coyote’ ‘tuna’…just to name a few. The word that actually takes the cake though is quite ironic. The word ‘pronunciation’ was constantly brought up in the battle of The Pronunciation Game.

I’ll be the first to admit it, I am a grammar Nazi. Your and you’re are the epitome of bad grammar, as is, to and too. The list is endless, and yes, I’m well aware English is a very difficult language to learn (for foreign and domestic residents alike). So, I would like to take this opportunity to educate the masses, to pass on my very basic knowledge and help out those less fortunate than I.

I’m talking about those assholes that didn’t listen in class. It’s not like you had to listen to every word the teacher was saying, you could have simply listened to every second word and still picked up the gist of it. You could have skipped every second class and had a better grasp of YOUR native language. Fuck, you could have tried reading a book once in a while (What am I thinking, you can’t read). Okay, forget the book, you could have engaged in proper conversation with a well spoken adult and picked up the correct wording and pronunciation of words. Instead, you chose to fuck around and look up girls skirts, eat pissed on sand from the playground and poke dog shit with a stick.

Alas, it’s not all over for you, uncle Chris is here to help. We are going to start with two aforementioned mistakes. Your and You’re and To and Too.

Okay, let’s go.

First up, ‘Your’, as in belonging to or associated with the person or people the speaker is addressing.

Example and repeat after me: “YOUR mother was addicted to crystal meth and couldn’t afford a decent education for you…YOUR”

Next, ‘You’re’ as in the contraction of the words ‘you are’.

Example and repeat after me: “YOU’RE a fucking ineffective individual, YOU’RE going to die diseased and lonely…YOU’RE’

Are we all following so far? I hope I’m not going too fast, remember, you can always stop, go back and read the example again until you are comfortable to move on. I don’t want push too far ahead of anyone, if you’re comfortable to continue learning, please continue reading. If not, then go back and practice reading those examples.

Next, ‘To’ as in expressing motion in the direction of a particular location (when used as a preposition)

Example and repeat after me: “When you turn 18, you are going straight TO welfare, you won’t be getting a job, you won’t be purchasing nice things because you are on welfare, you can’t afford nice things when you’re on welfare, you can only afford cheap housing and home brand food… TO.”

Now, see what I did there? I combined the word YOU’RE in that last example…see if you can spot it. Again, if I’m going too fast, stop, go back and read through the example until you feel comfortable to continue.

Okay, last lesson for the day. ‘Too’ as in to a higher or lower degree than is desirable, permissible or possible; excessively.

Example and repeat after me: “Your IQ is TOO low for living a good life. You will never succeed. Your inherited bad genes are not curable. It is because of this you’re destined for failure. You’re going to have a miserable life, but it won’t matter because you’re TOO ignorant and oblivious to your shortcomings. You can do one of two things from this juncture, you can give up now and end it all or you can continue on your shitty life path and carry on being a burden to society…TOO.”

Now, that one was tricky, if you noticed I put all the previous examples into that last sentence. See if you can spot them all. I also threw in a third and alternate spelling of the word To and Too, very sneaky of me! Try and see if you can find it…ask an adult for help if you get stuck.

Well, that’s the end of our first lesson. Stay tuned for more ‘Grammar with Chris’ in the coming weeks.

Until next time,

-Chris

Oliver says 'EVEN I PASSED PUPPY PRESCHOOL'