Ghosts of Chris’ Past (Geddit?)

I was talking with a dear friend of mine the other day and the topic of ghosts and the supernatural came up. Now, I do love talking about that stuff and one of my favourite shows is ‘Supernatural’, however, I do feel that I need to point out before I continue that I am completely, 100% and positively certain that ghosts and the like are just figments of an over active imagination brought on by our friends in Hollywood (Well, Japan actually, seeing as they make the best horror films). I’m not trying to rain on anyone’s parade, I’m not trying to upset anyone who might want to make contact with the other side in order to speak with a dead relative and I’m definitely not trying to piss off God or any other fictional character. I’m simply stating my proclivity for reality.

I’ve had believers come up to me and try to win me over with their arguments…coming to me with unintelligent remarks like ‘But, have you ever seen a ghost Chris?’ for the record people, this is the worst fucking argument you can make when trying to convince a realists that ghosts exist. Clearly my answer is going to be ‘No’. When posed with this question, I always give the rudimentary and polite retort back ‘Well, have YOU seen a ghost?’ to which one of the most common responses is ‘I’ve felt the presence of one’. Okay, so you haven’t actually seen one either, is that what you’re saying? I felt the presence of a shit once, went to the toilet…nothing.

The for and against argument could go on for days and days with no resolution. I’ll never be able to convince a true believer that when you’re dead you’re dead and a true believer will never be able to convince me that Elvis still walks the grounds of Graceland. It’s a stalemate I'm happy to live with.

However, back to the original conversation I was having with my friend. We were on the topic of ghosts, spirits, entities and the like when I asked her about dead animals. Do dead animals come back and haunt the place they died? Akin to the way believers say a ghost will haunt their place of death and the spirit may be even more malevolent if the death was rather nasty or brutal, say murder or graphic suicide. Would a dead animal come back to haunt the same spot where they passed? If so, I can only imagine the number of haunted toilet bowls around the world, swarming with the ectoplasms of pissed off goldfish. I can honestly say, I have never heard of someone going to the toilet and seeing an apparition of Nemo swimming in the bowl! What about my backyard? I had a pet bunny rabbit about 2 years ago, Cinnamon, poor poor Cinnamon. Cinnamon was a gorgeous little bunny, cute, funny and full of character. Chew every fucking cord he could get his little buck teeth into though, a little bastard to be honest. He was a twenty dollar impulse buy by my girlfriend of the time. We only had him for about six months before he decided to up and die! Promptly after his death we had a private ceremony, just the two of us, few words were spoken. I lowered his little carcass into a nice plot we found in the backyard, wrapped with love in a Woolworth’s plastic shopping bag and covered him with earth. Goodbye Cinnamon, you were a pest but we loved you, deeply. Now, Cinnamons death was what I would call, horrific. He died from a single bite wound from a spider. Would his death be classed as shocking, shocking enough to maybe cast his little spirit out of his body to forever haunt my backyard from beyond the grave? Have I ever seen or felt his little furry presence while mowing the lawn?

Fuck no.

The only contribution Cinnamon gives to my backyard from beyond the grave is fertilizing the weeds that grow in and around his now unkempt gravesite.

Why stop at common household pets? What about the less insignificant creatures? How many locusts and other flying bugs took their own lives on your windshield or grill? Are we all driving around with the disgruntled spirits of gnats in our car? Hardly.

Why do we reserve the right to only be haunted by our human counterparts? Does no other creature in our great, vast animal kingdom get the honor of spooking us as well? Seems kind of unfair if you ask me. To be completely honest with you all, I think I would prefer to be haunted by my pets rather than my kin. Sure Cinnamon was a pain in the ass and the countless fish that I’ve flushed didn’t really offer any great love and support, I still think I’d rather see them hovering above my bed at night than my dear dead Grandfather. Sorry Grandpa, no hard feelings, right?

~INTERMISSION~

Since we are kind of on the topic, I had another conversation with the same friend (You must think this friend of mine and I only talk about morbid topics…well, we do). We were discussing the possible options after death. I came to the conclusion that for the past, say 2000 years, our options pretty much haven’t changed in terms of preparing our body for the eternal sleep. Sure we can be buried six feet under like most people or we can be cremated and have our ashes sitting in a tacky vase (yes, I’m aware it’s called an urn) above the fireplace (which by the way is a horrible place to keep ashes, if I’ve been burned to ashes, I don’t think I want to be kept anywhere near fire!).

I just think that we need more options when it comes to the final goodbye. When I asked my friend about what she would like done with her body (mind out of the gutter people) she had an odd request, but one I could probably necessitate if I really had to. She doesn’t like the idea of being buried and eaten by worms, bugs and other creepy crawlies; however, she isn’t fussed about being in the ground as bones only…how does one get to be bones only and then buried? Quite easy actually, you dip her body in hydrochloric acid and sizzle away her flesh and organs to leave only her bones, which can now be neatly tucked away into a casket and buried without the fear of being eaten by night crawlers. Kind of a nifty way to end your time here on this Earth I thought.

What would I do? Good question. There are so many options…Cryogenically frozen for one! Alas, I don’t like the cold. Taxidermy? Maybe, depends if I could have moveable joints inserted in my limbs so I could be placed in different positions depending on the situation. Donating my body to science? Pros and cons with this one. Pro, I’m helping out mankind with vital research that could maybe one day solve the mysteries of the universe (hardly, not with my body anyway) con, I’m being poked and prodded by strangers who are no doubt laughing at my limp dead penis!

Yes, there are options out there; we just need to get more creative with the disposal of our bodies. So, which option am I leaning towards? Well, here’s the thing, I’m the eternal optimist…I really don’t plan on dying!

Until next time,

-Chris

Oliver says 'YOU BETTER NOT PUT ME IN THE BACKYARD PAL!'