‘I’m ahead, I’m advanced. I’m the first mammal to make plans’

-          ‘Do The Evolution’ Pearl Jam

Since man discovered fire and shed the bulk of our body fur, we have come up with some pretty cool stuff. I did a quick search online and found the top ten inventions that changed the world. Stick with me, I’m actually going to make a point at the end of this and it involves a little rant about basic hygiene and how I think we are all destined to die in a cess pool of our own filth and waste.

So here they are, in order of importance and historical significance, with my own personal review and rating. By the way, I'm rating each invention out of five with the scientific symbol for Ohms, why? Well I thought it seemed appropriate. Without further ado...starting at number ten.

10)   The Internet – The internet is a network of computers covering the entire planet allowing people access to information anywhere and at anytime. The impact the internet has had on our world has been profound and considering its young age (compared to the wheel!) we are probably still yet to see just exactly what this network of computers is capable of. Without the internet and all its millions of kilometres of fibre optic glory, I wouldn’t be able to beam out this delectable blog. I give this one a healthy Ω Ω Ω Ω ohms.

9)      The Computer – Kind of obvious really! In a nutshell a computer is a device that takes in information, manipulates the information and then spits out new information. I can hear hordes of IT nerds screaming from their parent’s basement ‘There’s more to them then that!’ Yes, I know there is, but I have eight more inventions to get through and we all know what the fuck a computer is (a device to access hardcore pornography...duh). I give our little perverted machine a very arousing score of Ω Ω Ω Ω Ω ohms (it gets an extra point over the internet because essentially without the computer there is no internet)

8)      The Light Bulb – Yes, the light bulb, without it we would all be reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ by candlelight (Yes, I know that most of you women read it by candlelight anyway!). I’m not going to give my spiel of the light bulb because, let’s face it, it’s a light bulb. I do, however, know a great light bulb joke! “How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?”... “A Fish”. I give this invention a dim Ω Ω Ω ohms.

7)      The Automobile – Without the automobile we would all still be getting around on horseback, which is fine by me. If you don’t know me, I’m an avid drinker and love going to a bar with friends. I can’t think of anything more exciting than sidling up to a saloon on my horse, tying him off and kicking the swinging doors open... all John Wayne style and shit! Bring back the horse! I give this invention Ω Ω ohms (purely for taking away my horseback fun)

6)      The Steam Engine – Perhaps one of the most important inventions in human civilization and probably deserves to be higher up on the list. Before the steam engine, most things were made by hand, using old technologies such as water wheels and draft animals (Kind of like a mouse on a spin wheel). The steam engine brought forward the greatest changes over the shortest period of time in human history, so for that, it gets Ω Ω Ω Ω Ω ohms! Well done steam engine.

5)      Communication – This is kind of cheating, combining telephone, radio and television into one invention, but the communication industry is forever changing and continuing to change our lives ever since Samuel Morse invented the electric telegraph. When you think about it, in 120 years mankind went from taking several weeks to hear from someone on the other side of the world to watching events live as they happen (Unless its Channel 9 covering the 2012 Olympics). Until they invent smellevision I give this industry Ω Ω Ω Ω ohms.

4)      Refrigeration – Without refrigeration we would all probably starve to death. With the current population of the world, we would simply not have enough fresh food to sustain us all. Personally, I don’t care about any of that! Come to my place and open my fridge and you will see a wall of beer...the only thing I need to keep cold in my house and for that, refrigeration gets a cool Ω Ω Ω Ω Ω ohms!

3)      The Printing Press – ‘What?’ I hear you say, ‘The printing press?’... yes, the printing press. When you think about it, without the printing press we wouldn’t have a wealth of knowledge in books and other literature. When you really think about it, the printing press brought forth pretty much every other invention on this list! The knowledge contained within books helped all the other inventors go out into the world and create their masterpieces. Maybe I am being biased; I just have a love for the written word. Ω Ω Ω Ω Ω ohms!

2)      The Wheel – Yep, the wheel, coming in second. This little diddy saved many asses’ backs from carrying heavy loads. It gave man the ability to move items with ease both short distances and long. Like the steam engine, the wheel pushed human evolution forward in leaps and bounds and like the printing press, it helped create pretty much all the other inventions. God bless the wheel in all its circular glory. All hail the wheel...Ω Ω Ω Ω Ω ohms!

1)      The Plow – Huh?! The plow? Yep, the plow... Nobody knows exactly when the plow was invented; it’s most likely to have been used independently across numerous regions throughout human evolution. Before the plow arrived on scene, human beings were hunter gathers, relying solely on catching their food and consuming enough to survive. We were nomads, moving with the seasons and staying in one area until we exhausted all its resources (Kind of like a family on welfare living in the Northern suburbs of Adelaide). By using a plow, it gave us the opportunity to grow our own food, develop our farming skills and thus allowing us to stay in one location and build a society. It was the first tool of the farming revolution that kickstarted all the other revolutions. For that, the noble plow gets Ω Ω Ω Ω Ω ohms, well done Mr. Plow (I couldn't resist a Simpsons reference), you earned those ohms.

So there you have it, the top ten most significant inventions from mankind. A collaborative effort from all walks of life spanning over centuries.

So, why have I subjected you to this list of cool shit that has been invented? Let me break into the intermission so you can have a chance to get up, stretch your legs, go to the toilet or even make a cup of tea, because I’m about to go into a rant about mankind’s WORST invention. Stay tuned.

~INTERMISSION~

So, what is this invention that I think deserves to be buried deep into the archives of human monstrosities? A concept that the mere thought of it makes my blood curdle. Hearing its name mentioned makes me want to shove my head up a skunk’s arse and take a deep breath. Simply knowing that such an item exists makes me realise that there is no God. To the individual who came up with the notion of this fucking disaster I say, in very layman terms so you can understand, ‘Go fuck yourself and thanks a lot for destroying civilization’.

It is with complete disdain and contempt that I introduce to you, the unGodliest of inventions, the devils very own play thing...The Hanky.

Yes, the hanky. I think the hanky has got to be the single worst fucking item man has ever produced. Whoever came up with the idea of blowing your nose on a piece of rag, stuffing it back into your pocket, where it can fester and cultivate more infectious germs, deserves to have a rag doused in petrol shoved up his arse, intricately fed through his insides, pulled out through his mouth (almost like a giant piece of floss) and then set said rag on fire. You my friend are a complete asshole!

To those who use a hanky, keep clear of me. I want nothing to do with your unevolved view on the world. As far as I’m concerned, you all just want to watch the world burn.

Until next time,

-Chris

Oliver says 'EVEN I'M MORE EVOLVED THAN HANKY USERS'